And that’s the way the cookie crumbles

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I’m actually going through another a heartbreak, which is crazy because I told myself I wouldn’t deal with another guy so this wouldn’t happen. I hate my heart, but it is for the best. Dealing with that would be very hard in the end and I am sure there will be another guy, but it is going to be challenging because as much as I love that we are still friends, I don’t want to see him. I haven’t seen him in about 2 weeks, but even when we return from the break for the spring semester, I don’t feel like dealing with it. I don’t want to see him because I ‘ll act weird, and want to hug and kiss, but I can’t so…I just can’t </3

This is How I feel

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Hello darlings. I apologize for leaving again and I pinky promise to keep up this time because I miss talking to you all. I’ll start off with something though, it is a little different than my previous blogs, but just bear with me. Before I started this semester of college, I was over trying to have any type of relationship with a guy, but someone kind of changed my mind. We talk on the phone regularly and we talk regularly which is nice. It isn’t overwhelming because it is not a daily and constant thing because, no, we are not in a relationship. He is a nice guy, pretty sweet. He’s a weirdo, but I like it. His quirkiness is one of things that attracts me to him. He is smart, I don’t think he sees it yet though. He calls me smart and stuff and I know I am, but it’s not like I am a girl genius. I am sure there are things he knows that I don’t. For instance, certain basketball stuff. I know the basics, probably to pay a 1 on 1, or a team game , but not much else or even his love for music and beats. I don’t know anything about that. Another thing I can admire is how he can intellectually simulate me and keep my attention even though I feel like I don’t  keep his at times…I honestly am just figuring out how I feel about you. For awhile I promise I honestly tried to stop my feelings for you, but the heart is a treacherous thing. It doesn;t have a mind, nor does it understands logic. That is why it is forever getting tormented, at least mine does anyway. I understand you’ve had your experiences with other girls and geez how the way you sound it just seems like you met them all, but as you have taken notice I am not like them. I take pride in being a little different from the wolf pack called women. It is what makes me special, but from my narrow experiences with other guys…They don’t necessarily like that. I’m a tomboy, I like to get dirty and sweaty. I enjoy working out. I like to eat, but not super unhealthy foods most times. I actually try to take care of myself and my priorities when it comes to my school work and just life in general, but the one thing that really sends them running and is our main concern now is my spirituality. I know I am a Jehovah’s Witness and it is so hard just being one. It’s not burden some, but it is extremely difficult because I really try not to fall back into my old ways of pleasure and living a life in a way in which I didn’t feel as good as I do now. I love who I have become while coming down this path, the narrow path walking along with the great crowd. I have tried other things and it just was not successful. Did you know that I would go to church…and then come home and I would have sex with the guy that I was dating at the time and not have any remorse about it even though what they taught and said at church was against it. I knew that as long as I “prayed” and asked for forgiveness… It was whatever and everything would be alright, but that is not how it supposed to be. We are supposed to try our best and live our lives how the way the bible describes. It not only protects us from certain things such as certain heart aches, but from things we may not be able to handle. I understand that you’re a Christian(I am also one, but just a different kind) and that can get in the way of some things, such as holidays, or just maybe going to an event as a couple, but if I knew it would be impossible I would, honestly, of stopped talking to you and avoided you a long time ago. I will be completely and bluntly honest when I say it is your call on what you want us to do. The person I am, I can make anything work in the best way possible, but I can’t if it is not felt in the same mutual way. I like you, it is obvious, duh, but if the difference in spirituality really and truly bugs you then I would highly suggest letting me know now before my feelings for you grows anymore, so I can let my mother know that she doesn’t have to worry about lecturing me on going out on dates and etc. (I swear to her I am 13) Just as you tell me that you don’t want to get her, well neither do I, nor do i want to waste my time going on this journey with you just for it to break down into the friend zone…And there you go my darlings. I will talk to you soon, I promise and it will be something much funnier :)

FIND OUT WHO (MISS)UNDERST00D is: Below!!

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Hello my lovelies. I have missed you all so much. School was a little hectic, but I now have a handle on what’s going on so I will continue to post every other day or weekly. When finals come near I may go ghost again, I am not sure, but I should have a handle on that considering I am about to start studying for those next week. Anyway, the main reason I’m posting tonight is because I CANT KEEP THIS SECRET ANYMORE. MY NAME IS!!! (Miss)Underst00d. ;) Haha, I got you, but in all honesty, I will let you know about me. I am a female, (Obviously) I am a freshmen in college (That can range from 17-older) and I do own my own apartment. I love fitness, I love helping people. I am open to try new things: being adventurous is who I am. I love the french culture and thanks to college, I am able to fulfill my dream of going to Paris, France. I am really short, and petite. I am 5 feet 0 inches. My birthday is on March 1st and I love the fall and winter time. Currently: I am working becoming an aerial dancer :), starting up a non-profit organization, going to France and being on the dean’s list at my college. I have a crush on a guy named Micheal(20), but I call him Mishka or Mikey Bear in my head.(Because I’m weird that way) He’s a really cool guy and he does a lot, the poor thing. I feel as if there is more to his story than what he has told me thus far, but as our relationship as friends continue, I’m sure I will find out more. I like helping him and it makes me feel kind of cool that he looks up to me in a way even though I am shorter than him. He gives nice hugs and he’s one of my only friends that I have made so far. I try not to get too attached to him because he is one of my only friends, but I will admit it is refreshing to have someone like him. I appreciate his honesty and how he tells me how he feels about me. I suspected he liked me, but instead of being like most guys and being retarded, he told me upfront and I appreciate that. He doesn’t judge me on my beliefs, at least to my face anyway, he has been nothing, but nice and helpful and he smells really nice haha. Funny, right? I know, but because of my last break up, I am still trying to hold strong in my single strike…At least until next year around March. I can’t handle a boyfriend right now, even though I talk to Mishka regularly, but we’re not a thing so I guess it’s okay, but back to me haha. I have recently kind of level uped my spirituality and I have really gotten my life in order. It’s amazing the progress I have made and how much I do not desire to go back. Another thing is college is a lot of fun. I go to a relatively small college. I like that though because a place like UGA or UNC would scare the living daylights out of me. Maybe later, but that’s all for now babies. OH! and I am getting a dog soon. FINALLY! I’m really excites I love dogs so much. When I am older I am getting 5 huskies

School’s Back in session

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     Hey guys! How are you all doing? I hope okay, because I am fantastic.The best I have felt all summer, actually. I love learning , I really do and my Psych Professor (Psychology) is amazing and is so funny and everything is great and fun, but I have always had one problem. Making decent friends, so far, in my school career, all together, I have met a bunch of people, but none seem to click. Let me explain, I didn’t come to college, to drink, smoke, have sex with anyone with a penis and dance my life away. I came to get my degree, join some clubs, make the dean’s list. I like to have fun, sure, but studying is imperative. It’s almost impossible to find that anywhere really. Other than that, my school life as a whole is generally fine. It’s just hard with the morals and priorities of certain people these days. (Shakes head in disappointment) I’m so happy, I even had a flashback to my ex and only got upset for 3 minutes, I timed it. I’m dong better, everything is just better. :)  Thanks for reading, drop by tomorrow :) I have a new guy to tell you about and this time, I actually admit to having a liking for him :) <3 Ciao babies. 

This is why I’ve only slept with one person

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AS I have mentioned maybe once, or twice. I have only had sex, voluntarily,  with one person, nope —– Mur — did not get the goods and I am really glad about that, but anyway it has only been 1, uno, un.  The reason why is because when i was 16, I was an idiot and had sex with my boyfriend at that time, in my school, in a storage room. Dang, thank you teenage hormones, you freaking rock! Even though you guys don’t know me, it still hurt my soul to type that and to this day, I haven’t accepted it, I haven’t forgiven myself for being so dumb and letting someone smooth talk their way into my pants. I thought he loved me, I thought doing this for him was the best because it proved I loved him, or at least I thought, I thought…it was right. It’s not like it was just a one time thing, no, it was a regular thing after that my junior/senior (cause I graduates early) year. We probably had sex in there…4 times, but before that we had done stuff leading up to sex. A lot of stuff and at first, I was okay with my decision, because I just knew it was what everyone did, I don’t follow the crowd, but sex out of marriage HA! A whole butt load of people–this is a side not, but I couldn’t finish this post when I first started to write it. I started to write this last night, but I got really overwhelmed and I broke down. The fact that this is still effecting me this bad suggests that I need to really take the time and get my mind clear of this. I really thought the whole “fake it, till you make it” would work, but I still hurt some nights. My heart is hurting still from this and even though it’s been a while since it happened, I haven’t found it in myself to forgive myself. I’m letting this define me and it’s tearing me apart. I can hardly believe that I let a person sweet talk his way into my pants, into my heart, into my vagina. Just in my. He was someone I loved, and after while I could see that he was starting to not look at me and only me, He was starting to let money control his heart, he started to disrespect me and our relationship, but because I thought it was me and my fault, because I wasn’t his only…I guess priority? He was looking at other women, he curses and he whistled at me to get my attention. I wanted to stop having sex with him, because I had this huge pregnancy scare and after that I was done. Well, I thought it was, but I had guilt and my conscience was telling me that it was wrong and I wanted to stop, but when I think about it…We drifted apart, because I wanted to better myself and he didn’t. If anything, he got worse and it’s not that I miss him per-say, it’s more of, I have an ever lasting connection with that loser and I disappointed my parents and I disrespected myself. That’s the part that is really unforgiving is I disappointed my father. My father and I already have a weird relationship, but whatever happens. I’m his daughter and he’s my papa. And to disappoint him has destroyed me and I’m recovering, but I..can’t. I was hyperventilating and crying uncontrollably last night when I tried type this, but I;m just grateful and I thank Jehovah for being with me and helping me get through this and I’m thankful for you guys reading this and I hope you got a feel for my emotions. I did not go and proof read like I usually do, so I’m sorry for mistakes, but this was a very emotional post for me.Thank you guys for reading. Ill talk to you later. <3 Bye..

I’ve never had this:

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    In my family, there is only one successful marriage. My father and my step mother, but even then..That took awhile to get in check, because of the whole stepparent role and the new children getting to know one another, but we eventually got it all cleared up. It took all of us about 5 years and it’s still not quite perfect, because I still feel weird around everyone so I just keep my mouth closed to keep peace. My family, currently, both mother and father’s side, consists of 3 marriages, 1 relationship, which is not me, and the rest are just single bitter women. I have a lot of women in my family, both mother and father. (Yay, not really. -.-) So much drama, so I exclude myself from everything, but out of the 4 marriages, only 1 isn’t corrupt. (My dad ans his wife) My mother has remarried, but she is kind of a gold digger and she is only with him for the money. Sad, right? My grandmother remarried, because she didn’t want to be alone anymore, shes 56. I don’t care how alone I am, I will get a dog, I will have 5,  rather than marry a man, I don’t love. That’s rude and it’s disrespectful to marriage. Same with my mother, but basically the main topic of this post is to tell you guys, I have never had a good, healthy marriage to look up to when I was growing up. My parents were divorced when I was 6. As always in the south, the children went with the mother. All I can say is my mom has slept with a ton of men, I know I was young in all, but I have always been mature for my age because I was exposed to sex early. I was molested and raped by my uncle at a very young age and I had an older sister that told me everything. My mother is not the relationship type of person, even though she’s married. She still cheats on my step father, which is not cool by the way. She thinks she slick, but me being me, I find out stuff by accident. She’ll tell me to look at her phone and a message from a random number will be there saying how much he “Enjoyed the oral presentation”. In the words of my college “mentee”, “Like totally gross me out.” I can’t model my future marriage after that! Next! My grandmother? Yeah, keep dreaming. Next! My father and stepmother, well, their marriage is good now, because of religious reasons and they seemed to worked things out, but before this melancholy period started, my father used to drink and she’s really dramatic about everything. So, you know that didn’t mix. We had nights where I was convinced we were on was Monday night Raw (a wrestling show).They were so crazy. That’s not even the half of it, my father’s parents were worse, but basically, I have grown up with domestic violence problems and it scared me to think that may happen to me. I don’t want to have to whip up a batch of chloroform and knock out my husband. That;s okay, I can only pray and hope that I have taken all of this in as a lesson and will not become like them, because if that is the case, I will stay single, have my 5 dogs and live alone. The reason, I brought this up was because, —– Mur— and I decided to slow it down for awhile because he has to deploy soon and I’m visiting my parents and they kept me and my brother up all night screaming. You would think after 3 years, they would divorce by now, nope, not my money hungry mommy. I now know why I graduated early and left home, thank goodness I did. All I can say is that I’m sane now. All I want for my parents is to be happy, that’s why I left. <3 Thank you for reading dearie. :) Even though I made this blog to help get out what I was feeling, I’m appreciative that people are interested in my life and how I interpret certain situations in life. It means a lot. Talk to you soon <3

Let’s lighten up the mood

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    Hey guys, miss me? I apologize for going ghost like that, but I recently had a death in my family, but don’t worry. I am okay, and so is my family and we appreciate all the love and prayers we have received from everyone. Thank you all so much, but I didn’t come here to ruin your day with that, I promise. I came to make you laugh at a recent experience I have just had with —– Mur—. Remember when I told you about us kissing and it got really steamy yada yada etc? Okay, so that basically happened again. Were at my place this time though and I guess he was in the mood because I went to go wash my hands or the dishes or some form of washing with me at a sink…. but next thing I know I feel a sensation on my neck and around my waist that I like A LOT. He is kissing my neck and his hands are around rubbing my waist from the back so yes, I may have gotten a little turned on. Then he started whispering little cute, naughty things in my ear. I’m weak in the knees, I wanted to fall over. He turned me around and took me right to my bed and then that’s where the magic started. He put me down gently and took off his shirt, which is always amazing, then he kissed up my abs and took off mine. I don’t know what got into him, but I was definitely okay with it, because I love when a guy is like this to me. He started to kiss me in a passionate way I had to catch my breath after every kiss. It was as if his lips were cigarettes and I was the smoker.(I have never smoked a day in my life, I’m an asthmatic)  It was so amazing, the way he let go after every encounter with our lips. Then he crept down to me chest and kissed there slowly slipping off my bra by his distracted kisses. He plays with my girls a little and sucks on them while he unbuttons his pants and takes them off leaving only his boxers on. Mr. —– Mur— is seriously packing ;). he tickled my stomach a little as he pulled off my pants which were kind of tight so my panties came off too. He turned really red from blushing and apologized, but i told him it was okay and that he can keep going. So, what he did next was the best I have ever had. (Keep in mind, I have only slept with one guy.), but he started to finger me and maybe he looked up a video, but before I knew it I was grabbing on to the sheets as  if someone were trying to steal my sheets and I didn’t want to let go. It was so good, the way he teased me by kissing my inner thighs and rubbing my vagina before he actually went in, but all of a sudden the sensation stopped and I heard laughing. Now that I am out of my daze, he is basically in tears of laughter. Why? I farted while he was fingering me. PLOT TWIST! Oh my goodness,my face cheeks burned from embarrassment. I wanted to cry, but I played along and laughed with him. We stopped after that, because that was something to really break the mood there. He was okay about it, but I really just want to crawl in a hole and die. I’m never doing that again. Oh man, I hope that made you guys laugh and hopefully didn’t give some an erection. Ha. It’s ruined now huh. Thanks for reading. Talk to you later, bye Je nous aimons my lovelies <3