And that’s the way the cookie crumbles

I’m actually going through another a heartbreak, which is crazy because I told myself I wouldn’t deal with another guy so this wouldn’t happen. I hate my heart, but it is for the best. Dealing with that would be very hard in the end and I am sure there will be another guy, but it is going to be challenging because as much as I love that we are still friends, I don’t want to see him. I haven’t seen him in about 2 weeks, but even when we return from the break for the spring semester, I don’t feel like dealing with it. I don’t want to see him because I ‘ll act weird, and want to hug and kiss, but I can’t so…I just can’t </3

This is How I feel

Hello darlings. I apologize for leaving again and I pinky promise to keep up this time because I miss talking to you all. I’ll start off with something though, it is a little different than my previous blogs, but just bear with me. Before I started this semester of college, I was over trying to have any type of relationship with a guy, but someone kind of changed my mind. We talk on the phone regularly and we talk regularly which is nice. It isn’t overwhelming because it is not a daily and constant thing because, no, we are not in a relationship. He is a nice guy, pretty sweet. He’s a weirdo, but I like it. His quirkiness is one of things that attracts me to him. He is smart, I don’t think he sees it yet though. He calls me smart and stuff and I know I am, but it’s not like I am a girl genius. I am sure there are things he knows that I don’t. For instance, certain basketball stuff. I know the basics, probably to pay a 1 on 1, or a team game , but not much else or even his love for music and beats. I don’t know anything about that. Another thing I can admire is how he can intellectually simulate me and keep my attention even though I feel like I don’t  keep his at times…I honestly am just figuring out how I feel about you. For awhile I promise I honestly tried to stop my feelings for you, but the heart is a treacherous thing. It doesn;t have a mind, nor does it understands logic. That is why it is forever getting tormented, at least mine does anyway. I understand you’ve had your experiences with other girls and geez how the way you sound it just seems like you met them all, but as you have taken notice I am not like them. I take pride in being a little different from the wolf pack called women. It is what makes me special, but from my narrow experiences with other guys…They don’t necessarily like that. I’m a tomboy, I like to get dirty and sweaty. I enjoy working out. I like to eat, but not super unhealthy foods most times. I actually try to take care of myself and my priorities when it comes to my school work and just life in general, but the one thing that really sends them running and is our main concern now is my spirituality. I know I am a Jehovah’s Witness and it is so hard just being one. It’s not burden some, but it is extremely difficult because I really try not to fall back into my old ways of pleasure and living a life in a way in which I didn’t feel as good as I do now. I love who I have become while coming down this path, the narrow path walking along with the great crowd. I have tried other things and it just was not successful. Did you know that I would go to church…and then come home and I would have sex with the guy that I was dating at the time and not have any remorse about it even though what they taught and said at church was against it. I knew that as long as I “prayed” and asked for forgiveness… It was whatever and everything would be alright, but that is not how it supposed to be. We are supposed to try our best and live our lives how the way the bible describes. It not only protects us from certain things such as certain heart aches, but from things we may not be able to handle. I understand that you’re a Christian(I am also one, but just a different kind) and that can get in the way of some things, such as holidays, or just maybe going to an event as a couple, but if I knew it would be impossible I would, honestly, of stopped talking to you and avoided you a long time ago. I will be completely and bluntly honest when I say it is your call on what you want us to do. The person I am, I can make anything work in the best way possible, but I can’t if it is not felt in the same mutual way. I like you, it is obvious, duh, but if the difference in spirituality really and truly bugs you then I would highly suggest letting me know now before my feelings for you grows anymore, so I can let my mother know that she doesn’t have to worry about lecturing me on going out on dates and etc. (I swear to her I am 13) Just as you tell me that you don’t want to get her, well neither do I, nor do i want to waste my time going on this journey with you just for it to break down into the friend zone…And there you go my darlings. I will talk to you soon, I promise and it will be something much funnier 🙂

I’ve never had this:

    In my family, there is only one successful marriage. My father and my step mother, but even then..That took awhile to get in check, because of the whole stepparent role and the new children getting to know one another, but we eventually got it all cleared up. It took all of us about 5 years and it’s still not quite perfect, because I still feel weird around everyone so I just keep my mouth closed to keep peace. My family, currently, both mother and father’s side, consists of 3 marriages, 1 relationship, which is not me, and the rest are just single bitter women. I have a lot of women in my family, both mother and father. (Yay, not really. -.-) So much drama, so I exclude myself from everything, but out of the 4 marriages, only 1 isn’t corrupt. (My dad ans his wife) My mother has remarried, but she is kind of a gold digger and she is only with him for the money. Sad, right? My grandmother remarried, because she didn’t want to be alone anymore, shes 56. I don’t care how alone I am, I will get a dog, I will have 5,  rather than marry a man, I don’t love. That’s rude and it’s disrespectful to marriage. Same with my mother, but basically the main topic of this post is to tell you guys, I have never had a good, healthy marriage to look up to when I was growing up. My parents were divorced when I was 6. As always in the south, the children went with the mother. All I can say is my mom has slept with a ton of men, I know I was young in all, but I have always been mature for my age because I was exposed to sex early. I was molested and raped by my uncle at a very young age and I had an older sister that told me everything. My mother is not the relationship type of person, even though she’s married. She still cheats on my step father, which is not cool by the way. She thinks she slick, but me being me, I find out stuff by accident. She’ll tell me to look at her phone and a message from a random number will be there saying how much he “Enjoyed the oral presentation”. In the words of my college “mentee”, “Like totally gross me out.” I can’t model my future marriage after that! Next! My grandmother? Yeah, keep dreaming. Next! My father and stepmother, well, their marriage is good now, because of religious reasons and they seemed to worked things out, but before this melancholy period started, my father used to drink and she’s really dramatic about everything. So, you know that didn’t mix. We had nights where I was convinced we were on was Monday night Raw (a wrestling show).They were so crazy. That’s not even the half of it, my father’s parents were worse, but basically, I have grown up with domestic violence problems and it scared me to think that may happen to me. I don’t want to have to whip up a batch of chloroform and knock out my husband. That;s okay, I can only pray and hope that I have taken all of this in as a lesson and will not become like them, because if that is the case, I will stay single, have my 5 dogs and live alone. The reason, I brought this up was because, —– Mur— and I decided to slow it down for awhile because he has to deploy soon and I’m visiting my parents and they kept me and my brother up all night screaming. You would think after 3 years, they would divorce by now, nope, not my money hungry mommy. I now know why I graduated early and left home, thank goodness I did. All I can say is that I’m sane now. All I want for my parents is to be happy, that’s why I left. ❤ Thank you for reading dearie. 🙂 Even though I made this blog to help get out what I was feeling, I’m appreciative that people are interested in my life and how I interpret certain situations in life. It means a lot. Talk to you soon ❤